How long has it been since I have taken time at the end of the year to sit and reflect?  Not a path worth wandering.  One day

Ok, no.  I’m sorry.  For a moment reflecting can go fuck itself.

Mario Lopez is on Fox’s New Years Eve countdown.  He just had a young lady up on stage who proudly exclaimed, “I was twerking before twerking was twerking.”  You can thank brandy for my ability to type that word three times in a row without expiring from self-loathing.  Even if this woman was my age, which I doubt, she just admitted on national television that she began thrusting her hips erotically at the age of three.  If so, wonderful, but I did not need that information to interrupt Santana, or my thoughts.  Mindless television I can understand, but it must take an extra helping of vindictiveness or pure ineptitude to achieve that level of crass.

New Years Resolution number 1:  Having someone touch you is a wonderful feeling.  In the last three months I have probably had physical contact ten times, and two of them were with an ex.  Honestly, I can’t understand why this is a desired interaction.  For the last year of our relationship neither of us could stand to be touched, by anyone.  Have you ever watched your mother’s eyes while she tries to hug you and you flinch?  I’m past that, thankfully, and so is my mother, but these are not memories that stimulate the warm, fuzzy parts of the brain.  Still, my mother is the only person in my life that that I have any physical contact with.  I need to remember to touch myself.  That isn’t meant to be sexual, I just carry so much stress everywhere.

I closed my eyes and woke up here.  That is still a difficult thing to let go of, all that wasted time.  Well, it is a new year, and all that jazz.  Oh bother, I appear to be melancholy.  A 40° temperature change daily is not good for the constitution.

A little like I closed my eyes last night and woke up twelve hours later.  It is now January 1st, 2014.  I haven’t eaten in fifteen hours, and I woke up mildly hungover and very lonely.  Despite staying up till midnight, I haven’t had any human interaction this year.  Now it is time to go out and be productive for the last half of my day off, all the time wondering why people can’t mean it when they tell you things.

Happy New Year.

MS

P.S. “You’re running out of time” – http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2009/12/how_to_create_motivation_for_2.html

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